Vice-President Joe Biden has been anxiously, and nervously waiting to find out who President Obama will choose as his running-mate in the 2012 Presidential Election.
Sources say that upon hearing the news that Mitt Romney has chosen Paul Ryan as his running-mate, Biden locked himself in his office, presumably hatching a plan to win over the President.
“He really wants to ‘wow’ the President,” said one Washington insider. “He’s been tucking in his shirt, using words with as many as three syllables, and no longer plays ‘Draw Something’ during meetings with foreign dignitaries.”
Biden has also been overheard laughing at pretty much everything the President says, has been helping his daughters with their homework, and has taken Bo (the family dog) outside to relieve himself the past, like, 6 times without even having to be asked to do it.
“Joe’s been very helpful around the house while Barack has been busy weighing his options,” said First Lady Michelle Obama. “People have been calling him ‘Poop Guy’…you know…because he takes the dog outside to poop more often than necessary.”
She added, “it’s really helped me focus on reprimanding the girls for their slipping grades. They were doing so well for so long. I’m not sure what happened. “
Zanesville, OH — A participant in the 4th annual “‘We Run This Sh*t’ 10k Benefiting Colitis” nearly dropped out of the race, due to the extreme awkwardness of keeping pace with a stranger.
“It was terrible. I tried to speed up, and there he was,” lamented Patrick Tareyton, 46. “I tried to slow down, and there he was. Worst day of my life”
Ian Fuller, 29, spent the entire 6.2 miles behind the two men, imagining just how awkward it must have been for them.
“They even both stopped for water at the same time,” added Ian.
“The older guy tried to simultaneously jog and drink out his tiny cup, ya know, so he could get out ahead of him, but the other guy did the same thing. So, there they were. Two guys, side by side, sipping tiny cups of water. It really sticks with ya’.”
One eyewitness was under the impression that the two men were together, and were just angry with each other, giving each other the silent treatment. After being informed that the two men were complete strangers, the eyewitness now agrees that it totally must have been a drag for both of them.
To make matter worse, neither of the men appeared to be listening to an iPod, forcing them to listen to the sounds of nature and each other’s footsteps and heavy breathing.
Mr. Tareyton spent the last mile of the race trying to think of something to say to the stranger, but nothing seemed appropriate.
Tareyton added, “you know when you’re on a long flight, and you’re about to land, and you realize you haven’t said anything to the stranger sitting next to you, so you panic and try to think of something to say? This situation was kind of like that, except with running.”
Despite never spending a single second in battle, a local jerk spent much of Memorial Day chastising you for not serving in the military.
The judgmental a-hole was seen at the park, eating the food that you cooked at the barbecue that you hosted, judging you and accusing you of “not giving a good god damn what Memorial Day is really all about.”
Eyewitnesses claim that the massive hypocrite was also overheard talking about how “this generation doesn’t know the meaning of sacrifice,” in between sips of the Blue Moon that you purchased for the aforementioned barbecue.
The self-proclaimed “real man” was then spotted trying to log into your computer, so he could share a touching picture of a woman lying on her soldier husband’s grave, even though you “are probably too cynical to be moved by it.”
When asked why he, himself, wasn’t an actual veteran, the pompous fuddy duddy claimed that he “had bad knees,” and ran off.
HOLLYWOOD, CA – According to reports, the producers of the reality talent show “The X-Factor” have made a generous $15 million pledge to a woman with special needs.
The woman, who goes by the name “Britnahhh,” was visibly excited when she heard the news, reportedly shouting “hooray! Juice boxes are on me, tonight, y’all! Mama’s a gajillionaire!”
According to eyewitnesses, she then did a 4-hour long “victory dance” in the middle of the crowded Wal-Mart, in which she spends her afternoons pretending she’s the store’s “mayor.”
A spokesman for “The X-Factor” was quoted as saying “every once in a while, we feel like we need to give back. This money was burning a hole in our pockets, so we figured, what the hell? Why not give it to that simpleton on TMZ who’s always walking barefoot through gas stations and flashing her naughty bits to anyone who will give her a Jumbo Jack?”
He then added “it feels really good to bring joy to somebody who is clearly suffering. Seriously. There has to be something wrong with her, right? Anyone? Is it just me? It can’t be just me.”
5-9-12 — The rest of the nation was shocked, today, as a group with a well-documented history of hate and intolerance did something hateful and intolerant.
Many had hoped that the hateful, intolerant citizens would surprise everybody by breaking the centuries-long streak of being decades behind the rest of the world, but they were disappointed when the hateful, intolerant citizens did the same goddamn thing they always do.
“People need to mind their own business,” said one local resident of the town that hate and intolerance built. “I did what I did because I have the right to do whatever I want. Just because you believe what I do is wrong, doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do.” The citizen remained totally unaware of the irony that was flowing out of her face, transforming her mouth into some sort of hate-fountain.
“I don’t know why I expected anything different out of those people,” said a man who lives in a place where people aren’t hateful and intolerant. “I feel like a jackass. It’s the same feeling I had that one time I spent a whole day hoping my dog would ‘meow’. Guess what. The dog didn’t ‘meow.’
No word yet on what the next step is for the hateful, intolerant citizens, but the rest of the nation will continue crossing their collective fingers in hopes that they will, one day, do the right thing. Unfortunately, this day does not appear to be coming anytime soon, given the fact that, no matter how impressive it would be, dogs don’t ‘meow.’”